Gambol Investigates: The Moth Man

GambolBlog0002Hello humans, my first foray into the world of Cryptozoology this month involved making a start on my hunt for the “cryptid” Moth Man. A large, winged creature with glowing red eyes, he is thought to be related to UFO sightings, electrical disturbances, odd phonecalls and impending disaster. Let me consult the Book of Mysteries…

Mothman is the name of a cryptid speculated to exist after several reports of unidentified creatures seen in the Point Pleasant area of West Virginia from November 15, 1966, to December 15, 1967. The first newspaper report was published in the Point Pleasant Register dated November 16, 1966. Described by various witnesses as “a large, flying man with ten foot wings and eyes like bicycle reflectors”, “a huge bird with red eyes”, and “looking like a very big Shitepoke”.

Shitepoke? What the hell is a SHITEPOKE?

Tri-colored-Heron-2
EDITOR’S NOTE: A “Shitepoke” is an old, colloquialism for Herons. Because they evacuate a GIANT STREAM OF SHITE when they set off to fly. Nae joke.

Large owl, big heron, seven foot moth…whatever the creature was, it appeared many times in the run up to the Silver Point Bridge collapse in Point Pleasant, 1967. The Moth Man sightings ceased immediately afterwards, leading to him becoming eternally linked with the event.

Whether he was the cause of the accident, or was giving some kind of warning remains unclear. But I think if you’re trying to warn people of impending doom, the best way to go about it is definitely NOT flying straight at them, full pelt, scaring them witless. Maybe next time, distribute some flyers or something, Moth Man. You have to communicate clearly. What exactly did you hope to convey? Making televisions buzz, and dicking about with radio station settings doth not equal “Imminent Bridge Collapse”.

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Gambolistic impression of the Moth Man: Insect, Shitepoke, both?

My money’s on him having a laugh, but letting it get out of hand. There were many sightings of UFO’s, strange lights, and mystery gentlemen in black suits appearing out of nowhere. My investigations conclude that these were some form of interdimensional crack squad teaming up to take him down for being an extreme winged cretin of the highest order.

I have broken out the red pencil and placed the term cryptid in parentheses within my book of mysteries, as I have discovered the Moth Man is no mythological or undiscovered being. Let me share what I gathered about the Shitepoke himself during my investigations…

No, this harbinger of doom is very real, and known to many of my friends in the ghost community. A regular visitor to Garrionette Boocock’s poker nights, he was excommunicated from the player pool after turning up in a half-cut state one evening, bragging about prank calling old ladies. He proceeded to drink  everyone else’s beer, finish all of the whisky, eat the majority of Gavib’s pies, urinate all over the floor and scatter the poker chips everywhere. Apparently, he was then sick in the kitchen sink before stealing fifty pounds from the table for a taxi home. This was five years ago.
He has still not returned the fifty pounds.

MothMan0001
Hunting materials. Hmmmm. Yes. 

It is my mission to hunt down the Moth Man and bring him to justice.
Or at least reclaim Garrionette’s fifty pounds.

MothMan0002
Hmmmmmmmm. Yes. Yes.

 

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